Skip to main content

NCPD LogoNational Catholic
Partnership on Disability
Alianza Nacional Católica
Sobre la Discapacidad

  • Support NCPD
  • Sign up for E-news!
  • Home
  • About
    • Who We Are
      • NCPD Governance Board
      • Catholic Disability Foundation
      • Staff
      • Council on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
      • Council on Mental Illness
    • Donate
    • Press Releases
  • Resources
    • Roman Missal
    • Dioceses and Parishes
      • Accessible Design
      • Gluten and Alcohol Intolerance
      • Work with NCPD
      • Parish Welcome
      • We All Belong
      • Symposium 2019
      • Find a Diocesan Director
    • Clergy
    • Families
      • Prenatal and Postnatal Support
      • Accommodations for Persons with Disabilities at National Prayer Vigil for Life
      • Physician-Assisted Suicide
    • Partners
    • Catholic Schools
      • Professional Development
      • Funding Models
    • Purchase Resources
  • Disability
    • Autism Spectrum Disorder
    • Blindness/Vision Loss
    • Deafness/Hearing Loss
    • Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
      • Council on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities
      • Speaker Forms for IDD Conference - Fall 2022
    • Mental Illness
      • Council on Mental Illness and Wellness
      • Mental Illness Theological Framework
      • Suicide
    • Physical Disability
  • Catechesis
    • Inclusive Lenten Activities
    • Adapted Faith Formation Activities
    • Catechetical Publishers
  • Affiliates
    • About Affiliate Membership
    • Be An Affiliate
    • Check Affiliate Status
    • Affiliate Connect Calendar
  • Courses
    • Sacraments
    • Mental Health Ministry
    • Sensory-Friendly Mass
    • Parish Advocate
  • En Español
  • Support NCPD
STAINED GLASS

You are here

  1. Home
  2. The Three “C”s for Supporting Individuals When They are Distressed

The Three “C”s for Supporting Individuals When They are Distressed

Some individuals are “sensitive,” “out of sync” or “explosive” – all words used to describe young people who are easily overwhelmed. These children especially benefit from loving support when they are distressed. As a parent of such a child and a child development specialist, I like to learn how to help my child and others like her. I hope you find what I have learned helpful when supporting young people who have exhibit challenging behaviors.

Below is an emotional support model that I developed based on brain research and advice from experts. I discovered three things that individuals need from adults, especially in moments of distress. These are the three “C”s in my framework:

The first “C” – Connection

"It's not enough to love the children. It is necessary that they are aware that they are loved."
- St. John Bosco

Children need to feel loved the most when they are acting in non-loving ways. The child having a tantrum or meltdown – or even lashing out at others is really telling us, “I can’t handle this emotion or situation alone.” 

Think of challenging behaviors as an opportunity to connect with a child on an emotional level. When an individual is upset, remain present. Separation can escalate anxiety and fear. In a gentle and soothing voice, reassure the person that you love them no matter what. 

Here’s a helpful poem to help adults connect with a distressed child. The poem is an adaptation of the song in Robert Munch’s wonderful 1995 book, Love You Forever:

I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you for always

As long as you need me

Your helper I’ll be

The second “C” - Calming

To help calm another, we must first calm ourselves. For me, this is the hardest part!  Since I often lose patience when my child misbehaves, I call on God for help. I composed a “centering prayer” that helps me regain my composure. To feel the strength of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I take three slow, deep breaths and I pray:

Safe in the Spirit

Beloved by God

I can do all things through Christ.

This prayer is adapted from a technique I learned from Dr. Becky Bailey, founder of Conscious Discipline®. She recommends we give our brain cues to calm the fight, flight or freeze response so that we can think clearly. “I am safe, I am loved, I can handle this,” are words she has used.

Once we are calm, we can then use relaxation strategies with others. Breathe deeply, talk positively, notice what is happening in the person’s body. Use techniques that work best to calm that unique individual, especially when they are young. Try hugging, rocking, singing, blowing bubbles, or reducing sound or light levels. Talk less, breathe more!

The third “C” - Compassion

If we believe children are doing the best they can under the circumstances, it is easier to give them empathy and compassion. As Dr. Ross Greene tells us in his Collaborative & Proactive Solutions® (CPS) model of care, “Kids do well if they can.”

We can give distressed individuals empathy by using reflective listening. If a person is acting out physically, notice their facial expression or body movements. Vocalize the changes in their body during the fight, flight or freeze response: “Your face is red, your fists are clenched, and your breathing is really fast.” 

If the person is crying, name-calling or yelling, communicate what you think they are feeling. Take your best guess and do not be afraid to use different words to accurately label the feeling. Young people can begin to learn the difference between contentment and excitement, frustration and exasperation, worry and fear. 

If the person is able to communicate what is bothering them, empathize with what they are saying: “It’s hard when things don’t go your way.”

After giving empathy, show compassion by trying to ease the individual’s discomfort. State, “I’m here to help.” The goal is to help them work through an uncomfortable feeling. The is not the same thing as giving in to specific wants; you can still maintain expectations (the person still has to clean up, or come inside, or meet any other expectation that triggered the behavior).

Attentive support can help a distressed person become emotionally strong. As we connect, help them calm and offer compassion, we demonstrate that they are loved unconditionally by us and by God.

Diane T. Goyette, M.A.

Visit www.earlychildhoodspecialties.com to learn more. 

The content contained in this post and on this site are the opinions of the individual author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the National Catholic Partnership on Disability.  

© The National Catholic Partnership on Disability 2020

Related Disability or Ministry: 
Autism Spectrum Disorder, Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities (IDD), Mental Illness
Program Type: 
Family / Caregiver Support
NCPD Logo

National Catholic
Partnership on Disability

Promoting the Meaningful Participation
of Persons with Disabilities in Church and Society

Contact us: 415 Michigan Avenue, N.E., Suite 95
Washington, D.C. 20017-4501; ncpd@ncpd.org; 202-529-2933

NCPD is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt nonprofit corporation.

Copyright © NCPD - National Catholic Partnership on Disability | Website: CEDC